I’ve been following the Haitian Orphan Missionary/Child Trafficking story since it broke. I have many thoughts on this which I might expound on at a later time. I was going to do it today, but this article caught my attention & I feel the need to break down some long held, ridiculous, adoption stereotypes.

Let’s start with the most common media misconception of adoption.

Celebrity Adoptions.

It shouldn’t be a shock to know that not everyone who has adopted or wants to adopt does so because they aspire to be like Angelina Jolie. Actually, most adoptive parents take issue with how Angelina & Madonna have gone about their adoptions. This topic alone could be & has been a whole blog post.

Motives to adopt vary from family to family. Some are out to rescue the world, one child at a time. Others feel a pull or calling to adopt. Some have special ties to a particular culture. Many see a need & try to fill it. Still others want a son or a daughter & don’t trust biology or their biology has betrayed them. Sometimes it’s very simple, parents have love to give & a desire for a child.

Some motives are good. Some motives are selfish. Most adoptive families can claim both. It is demeaning for the media to assume people want to adopt because of trends or celebrities. Adoption motives are complex & can’t & shouldn’t be boiled down to a Star Magazine cover.

Moving on.

The author states her concern with interracial & foreign adoptions being

“that the child will be separated from or have limited access to his or her birth heritage, which can create its own share of emotional problems.”

This is a concern all adoptive parents have. One of the hardest parts of adopting a child who is racially different from you is keeping their birth culture alive & relevant. We are raising our daughter to know she’s Vietnamese, to be proud of that, & we look forward to all learning more about her birth culture. Right now that consists of her special photo book, stories, & the occasional meal of Pho. We will add more things as she grows.

The author cites this old parenting theory as a current one subscribed to by adoptive parents:

“love is all a child needs and that skin color will ultimately have little to do with the emotional and physical healing process these children will need to undergo.”

Back when my parents adopted (1970’s), that was a common thought. Thankfully that theory has been thrown out. Because of years of research, we now know the best way to raise a child who is racially different is not to ignore their ethnicity, but to embrace the difference & raise them with that as part of their identity.

It is not easy or natural to do that. It is very easy for me to forget my daughter is Asian. Our family sees her differently than the world sees her & we do not ignore that. I do not want it to be a surprise to her that she isn’t white.

As always, there is the part of the article that basically says, “why don’t you adopt through foster care?” The author even states adopting an African-American child is a

“relative easy process…compared to international adoption, which often takes years.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I’m going to go out on a limb here & say the author has never tried to adopt through foster care. I have friends currently in the process & it is not easy. It is a gut-wrenching process, even when it’s ‘easy’- like “relinquishment’s in hand at placement” easy. Our international adoption was faster than that whole process.

Plus there’s the fact that kids in foster care aren’t usually there because they were well taken care of. Foster kids come with unique baggage & as a parent, you need to be ready for that. Not every parent is equipped to deal with the special circumstances.

It’s hard to parent a traumatized child. It’s even harder to parent a traumatized child while also dealing with state bureaucracy. It takes the patience of a thousand saints & the ability to roll with the punches, not just from the child (both literal & figurative), but the ones the court process with throws as well.

Finally, let’s be clear. Not everyone adopting internationally drives a BMW, lives in a 7000 sq ft house, spends vacations on remote tropical islands, & showers their children with things to make up for their poor start in life. Most adoptive families are homeowners (there are some sq. footage requirements but I think it’s like 100sq ft/person), have jobs, drive all types of cars (some really old so they can afford said adoption), have bills, go on vacations (Woohoo! St Louis!) & are very middle class. Affluence is one extreme of adoptive families – not the norm.

To wrap up:

• Adoptive parents are not aspiring to be like Angelina
• Adoptive parents are concerned about keeping their child’s heritage alive & relevant
• Parents with a child of a different ethnicity are aware of that fact & generally don’t live by the ‘love conquers all’ credo.
• Foster Care Adoption is not the super easy, super fast way to adopt a child so unless you have undertaken the process, please stop holding it up as the be-all end-all of adoptions
• Most adoptive families are solidly middle class

Can we please put these stereotypes to rest?

And before I put my soapbox away, I came across a *quote that I think fits the Haitian ‘missionaries’ perfectly.

“I’m going to do great things for you God! Get on board!”

K~

*Beth Moore’s Breaking Free Bible study.