Not Normal Grief

14 Feb

My mom died a little over a month ago. She’d been sick for a very long time. Her death was not unexpected. Honestly, it was a relief.

And that makes it weird.

The outpouring of sympathy almost seems misplaced. I’ve been missing my mom for years, the absence of her body from this world doesn’t really change that. In some ways, I wish people would have been sympathetic when we were losing bits of her everyday. That’s not to say people weren’t sympathetic – it would be exhausting, it WAS exhausting to lose her bit by bit, year by year. People really need a marked occasion to acknowledge grief. But it does make the memorials & such feel a little overdue for those of us who have been doing this for the better part of a decade.

Sorry. That sounded very complainy. What I mean to say is, thanks to those who were in this for the long haul & for those that walked with us for any part of this journey.

In the end, the end was nothing like I had feared. My mom slipped away quietly, surrounded by the people who loved her most. Earlier in the day my sisters & I had discussed whether we wanted to be there at the end or not. But we really didn’t have to make the choice. It was very clear early in the evening that she was transitioning. Her breathing became different & we knew she wouldn’t make it through the night. Her final transition was not marked by choking and struggling for breath, something I know I feared. In those final moments, there was no one else who needed us more. It was as if the rest of the world fell away & the only thing of importance was in room 28 at the nursing home.

Sadness & relief. Those are the emotions I felt immediately & still today.

Has it only been a month? It feels like a year.

In other grief news. We have found our dog Kenai a new home. He’ll be leaving at the end of March for New Hampshire to live with a retired couple who loves intense dogs. We’ve been debating re-homing Kenai for a while but never could quite commit. When the NH place became a reality, we took it.

The kids are not happy. I’m not really happy about it either but I know it’s best for all of us. I hope someday the kids will understand that.

On that depressing note, I’m going to sign off & try to think of something happier to post next time.





One Response to “Not Normal Grief”

  1. Kristi Leckband February 14, 2017 at 6:11 pm #

    This could not have been an easy post to write. Thank you for sharing your grief and your sorrows. You have been remembered in prayer for many months (and even years) and will continue to remain in our prayers as you no longer make those trips to see your mom. Your dad loves you for enduring the long good-bye with him.

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