That Christmas Feeling

11 Dec

I don’t have it this year.  Not one bit.

We’re actually avoiding as many holiday gatherings as possible because of the dreaded “When do you leave?” or “How’s the move going?” questions.

People have every reason to ask the questions.  After all, the move should be an exciting topic for us.  But it really makes me want to cry.  Or swear.  And who wants to be the person who depresses everyone at parties?

I suppose someday I’ll appreciate the comments about how ‘Things will work out’ & ‘Next year we’ll look back on this time & wonder what the fuss was for’ & ‘God’s Plan vs Our Plan’, etc.  I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but honestly, I don’t know how many more platitudes I can take.   I too am sure things will eventually work out but I’m pretty weary of God’s plan & am certainly not looking forward to an open ended time of single parenthood.

I knew the move would be hard.  We’ve been here 10.5 years, we knew it wouldn’t be easy to leave.  I guess I just didn’t expect the uncertainty & the overwhelming feeling of sadness.  I have to dig really, really deep to find some sense of excitement about moving to Metropolis.  And if we were offered a way out, I’d take it!

It’s really hard to feel any joy of the season when it feels more like a season of lasts.  Last night J~ & I were talking about when would be his last day at his current office & I started to cry.  The thought of our last Christmas in this house, the last preschool Advent Program, the last Santa’s Breakfast (E~’s school Holiday Program), the last Sunday School Program, the list goes on & on.  All of them leave me in tears.

I hate this.

I want to enjoy our last Christmas here but I couldn’t even set up the tree this year.  This is our tree.

Our Christmas Tree, Sven II

Our Christmas Tree, Sven II

It’s not a bad little tee.  I’d call it our Charlie Brown Christmas Tree but it’s a little fuller.  As a plus, it’ll serve as a nice house plant starting in January.

The kids have been surprisingly resistant to my mood.  They’re fine with the tree & like to add things to it as they bring home projects from school.  E~ has been building & wrapping Lego projects for everyone, G~’s been busy rearranging the ornaments, the cat’s been busy gnawing on the branches, & T~ likes to unwrap whatever E~’s just finished.  A typical Christmas 😉

Okay, vent is over.

On a bright note, G~, T~ & I went to E~’s school today to do a presentation on Vietnam for his class & one other class.  They had read a book about a Vietnamese girl this week & I put together a PowerPoint with some pictures from our trip.  It was fun to dig through the pictures again.  I realized, yet again, how much our old camera STUNK & we really should have bought a new camera for the trip.  Thankfully, Elise very willingly shared her pictures.  The kids were seemed to enjoy the pictures & had lots of questions at the end.  G~ & T~ behaved themselves too!

I think I’ve ignored the kids enough.  All for the love of blogging 😉

K~

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2 Responses to “That Christmas Feeling”

  1. Jill December 12, 2008 at 3:07 pm #

    Praying for you. Wish I could be there to listen more. Love ya!

  2. Elaine December 14, 2008 at 8:17 pm #

    I can only imagine how you’re feeling. Luckily I had no real idea last Christmas that it would be our last one in our old house and old neighborhood. I’m sure I couldn’t have faced it if I had known. No platitudes here. Moving is just plain hard.

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