Summer seems to really bring out the adoption issues in Tova. Last summer we dealt with some interesting behaviours & this summer is no different.
Except this summer Jason & I have decided we cannot deal with them on our own & it is time for a therapist.
We are both stuck. Nothing in our vast parenting arsenal seems to make a dent in her rages & insecurities. I was going to bed every night crying because I was feeling like a huge failure. Part of me wants to list the things we deal with on a daily basis but I won’t. I’m sure I will have naysayers that think 2 is too young for therapy & it’s not really her problem as much as it is ours, but trust me when I say, Tova’s behaviours are not the norm.
She exhausts me.
A wonderful friend pointed out that Tova has experienced neglect & that causes brain damage. Therefore we are not dealing with a ‘normal’ 2yr old. We are dealing with a child who has brain damage. I cringe just writing that. I want Tova to be ‘the same’ as her brothers. I want her to just know we will take care of her. I want her to know we will never leave her just as her brothers know. But she’s not the same. Her early life experience is very different than her brothers & it makes a huge difference in how she sees the world.
I know the trauma she experienced as an infant isn’t my fault. I know that. But it doesn’t make it any easier to admit that just loving my daughter to pieces isn’t going to repair the damage that was done. From a few days old, she learned adults won’t always meet your needs. And that changes the structure of your brain. This is a picture the therapist showed us to illustrate her point.

It’s easy to see the difference in the brains. A normal child will spend countless hours being stimulated by their parents. Each smile, story, baby talk, snuggle, song, etc, all the stimulation a baby gets contributes to brain development. A child who is fed 4 times a day & spends the rest of their hours sleeping & staring at the same spot above their bed does not receive adequate stimulation to help their brain development. Instead they take part in the Cycle of Unmet Needs. Essentially the cycle is this:
- Child has a need
- Child cries
- Caregiver does not respond
- Child learns over time that caregivers are not to be trusted.
This has a huge effect on brain development. For Tova what her early neglect seems to have done is cement a pathway from the Stress Cortex straight to the Anger Cortex without any off ramps. She compensates with extreme controlling behaviours & Rage. Almost nothing can reset her when she’s on the Anger Expressway.
What we’re hoping therapy will do is help us to help her find better ways to deal with her insecurities. Through Theraplay we hope to reinforce that we are in control & we can be trusted to make the right decisions for her. Just as important, therapy is giving Jason & I a refresher course on adoption parenting. Tova has done pretty well with her therapy. She enjoys the silly games, the undivided attention, & the praise. Jason & I are feeling a little more empowered & less controlled by our dear daughter. I don’t know how long we’ll need therapy, I’m just glad it’s there!
K~