What’s in a Name?

Grown in My Heart is having another blog carnival, this time the topic is names.

When we were in the adoption process is seemed so important to me to name our daughter.  Besides the usual fun of choosing a name for a new baby, I thought by giving the boy’s new sister a name, it would make their sister seem more real.

Jason & I discussed names ad nauseum.  Jason’s favorites were more European names, Fiona, Gretchen, Annika, etc.  While I like those names, I think they come with a certain expectations.  When I hear those names the images in my head are of blonde or red haired girls of European decent.  I knew we didn’t want people doing a double take every time they saw our very Asian daughter with her very Irish/German name.  In the end, we settled on Tova, a Scandinavian & Hebrew name, but one that is not often heard so few people have an image in their head already when they hear the name.  I believe the winning argument was the definition in the Baby Name Wizard – it said Tova was a name with International Flair.  Well, that was our daughter, quite the International Baby!  It also helped that it was the name of one of my closest friends.

Never once did we consider keeping her birth name as her first name.  We knew we would keep it as a middle name, but even then, she would have 2 middle names.

I fear we were too hasty to discount the possibility.

My daughter’s Vietnamese name is Thanh.  We had many pronunciations for it (all wrong, Tahn & Tawn) & our agency was no help.  When we arrived in Hanoi & met Thanh we learned the pronunciation of her name wasn’t all that hard – the vowels in Vietnamese are very nuanced but Thanh sounds very similar to Tine.

Thanh was to be one of  her middle names.  Someday’s I wish it was her first name.

It wasn’t given to her by anyone special, as far as we know she was named by the orphanage director.  But it was her name.  It was what her caregivers called her.  It was hers.  And we changed it because it wasn’t what we wanted.

There were lots of reasons why we didn’t call her Thanh, the confusing spelling & pronunciation, the fact we’d have to anglicize the spelling in order to give people a shot at it & wasn’t that changing the name anyway?  But mostly we didn’t because in our hearts & minds, she was Tova.

And she is Tova.  It suits her.  But if one day she wants to be called Thanh, I’ll be more than happy to oblige.

K~

What I Didn’t Know About Adoption

Yes, that would probably fill volumes.  I’ll try to be a little shorter than that.

Grown in My Heart is having a blog carnival & I found this one rather intriguing.  I’m late to the party, as usual, but here goes.

• I thought because my whole life had been surrounded by adoption I was an expert.
• I wish I had known as a child with an internationally adopted sister that race does matter.  It’s part of how you view the world & how the world views you & to ignore that is damaging to everyone.
• I didn’t realize how much of  the Adoption Class material I would hear but not get.
• I didn’t know how much I would think about my daughter’s birth parents & how I would ache for contact with them.
• I didn’t know how sad I would feel checking the box ‘no known family history’ at the doctors office.
• I didn’t really think I’d have to change my parenting style but adoption parenting is very different from parenting my bio sons.
• I didn’t know how protective I would feel about Vietnam & it’s culture.
• I didn’t realize it would take no time at all to forget my daughter looks very different from me.
• I didn’t think about how taking my screaming daughter out of a store would draw concerned looks from other shoppers.
• I didn’t think I would have to deal with attachment issues in a child adopted at a very young age.
• I didn’t know I would feel so annoyed every time someone tells me how wonderful I am for adopting or how lucky my daughter is.  I’m selfish & she lost her birth family & culture.  What’s lucky about that?
• I didn’t think it was possible to not instantly fall in love with my daughter.  After all, I had spent years dreaming of her & longing for her & yet, for a long time I felt like my daughter’s baby-sitter.
• I didn’t know I would feel joy & relief at feeling a nursing ‘let down’ when my daughter cried.  It meant to me I had bonded with her on more than an emotional level but a truly physical level as well.
• I didn’t know how the supply & demand nature of adoption had fed corruption & how hard it would be to act ethically in a corrupt system.
• I didn’t know I would feel so conflicted about adoption.  Is it good or bad?  Is it possible to have a truly ethical adoption?  Are the gains worth the loss?  I don’t have those answers.  I suspect they are different for everyone.
• I didn’t know how devastated I would feel about the truths surrounding my daughter’s adoption.  I can only imagine the devastation she will feel when she hears the whole story.
• I didn’t anticipate the huge & wonderful support network I would find through blogging.
• I didn’t know how thankful I would be for my friends who are parents through adoption & all the wisdom they have shared with me.

I do know my love for my daughter won’t solve everything, but I’m so glad I get to love her anyway!

K~

What Is It About Summer?

Summer seems to really bring out the adoption issues in Tova.  Last summer we dealt with some interesting behaviours & this summer is no different.

Except this summer Jason & I have decided we cannot deal with them on our own & it is time for a therapist.

We are both stuck.  Nothing in our vast parenting arsenal seems to make a dent in her rages & insecurities.  I was going to bed every night crying because I was feeling like a huge failure. Part of me wants to list the things we deal with on a daily basis but I won’t.  I’m sure I will have naysayers that think 2 is too young for therapy & it’s not really her problem as much as it is ours, but trust me when I say, Tova’s behaviours are not the norm.

She exhausts me.

A wonderful friend pointed out that Tova has experienced neglect & that causes brain damage.  Therefore we are not dealing with a ‘normal’ 2yr old.  We are dealing with a child who has brain damage.  I cringe just writing that.  I want Tova to be ‘the same’ as her brothers.  I want her to just know we will take care of her.  I want her to know we will never leave her just as her brothers know.  But she’s not the same.  Her early life experience is very different than her brothers & it makes a huge difference in how she sees the world.

I know the trauma she experienced as an infant isn’t my fault.  I know that.  But it doesn’t make it any easier to admit that just loving my daughter to pieces isn’t going to repair the damage that was done.  From a few days old, she learned adults won’t always meet your needs.  And that changes the structure of your brain.  This is a picture the therapist showed us to illustrate her point.

It’s easy to see the difference in the brains.  A normal child will spend countless hours being stimulated by their parents.  Each smile, story, baby talk, snuggle, song, etc, all the stimulation a baby gets contributes to brain development.  A child who is fed 4 times a day & spends the rest of their hours sleeping & staring at the same spot above their bed does not receive adequate stimulation to help their brain development.  Instead they take part in the Cycle of Unmet Needs.  Essentially the cycle is this:

• Child has a need
• Child cries
• Caregiver does not respond
• Child learns over time that caregivers are not to be trusted.

This has a huge effect on brain development.  For Tova what her early neglect seems to have done is cement a pathway from the Stress Cortex straight to the Anger Cortex without any off ramps.  She compensates with extreme controlling behaviours & Rage.  Almost nothing can reset her when she’s on the Anger Expressway.

What we’re hoping therapy will do is help us to help her find better ways to deal with her insecurities.  Through Theraplay we hope to reinforce that we are in control & we can be trusted to make the right decisions for her.  Just as important, therapy is giving Jason & I a refresher course on adoption parenting.  Tova has done pretty well with her therapy.  She enjoys the silly games, the undivided attention, & the praise.  Jason & I are feeling a little more empowered & less controlled by our dear daughter.  I don’t know how long we’ll need therapy, I’m just glad it’s there!

K~

It’s Officially Official

Tova is legally our daughter.  Still.

The Readoption or The Really Expensive Birth Certificate Ceremony was Friday morning & it went fine.  I’ll post pictures soon.  Jason & I had decided he would testify, but we forgot to tell our attorney so I was called.  It was nice to understand what we were agreeing to.  Our last ceremony was in Vietnamese, so for all we know, we agreed to send everyone on a ski trip & only wear red on Tuesdays.

Tova’s Really Expensive Birth Certificate will be here in 4-6 weeks.

The weekend was a lot of fun.  We were able to pack in a Mom’s Night, a Guy’s camping trip, a Skip Church breakfast, a church service, & lots of time with friends.

It was so nice to be home…

K~

Lazy Strikes Again

Only one more week of dealing with Lazy the Adoption Attorney from Hell.

S/He was up to the usual tricks again this week.  Lazy had contacted our social worker to get a form signed & notarized only neglected to send our social worker the form.  I ended up having to call Lazy & request they send the form again.  Lazy said it’d be done right away.  Well, I knew better.  Our social worker asked for a confirmation call when Lazy faxed the form & at the end of the next business day, she finally had the form.  ARGHHH!!!!!  How hard is it to have your secretary fax a form?  With incompetence like that, I’d be very surprised if Lazy is a busy attorney.  I detest the check we’ll write next week for the pleasure of using Lazy’s ’services’.

Okay, I need to stop with the whining & complaining.

I have bypassed watching the Plus 8 lose their two parent home due to reality tv fame in order to indulge in I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here! Only, I can’t watch it.  It’s HORRIBLE.  I’m all for a little mindless TV, but this is just awful.  I cannot subject myself to it.  I’d rather clean the cat box, mop the floor, even clean the toilets than watch this show.  It is that bad.  I tried, I really did, but after 5 minutes, I was DONE.

Hmmm.  That wasn’t quite the non-complaining portion I was hoping it’d be.

I’ll try again tomorrow.

K~

Protected: Throwing Money Away

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Happy Adoption Day!

Our Adoption Day in pictures!

The Provincial Building where Tova officially became ours

Waiting with our travel group

Funny story about our ‘waiting walk’.  We arrived before the babies so our group headed across the street to walk off our nerves.  The picture is of the C~ family & P~ & I’m standing next to Alison.  You can see a cow in the background.  The cow felt it was as important of a day as we did so she left us a present on the sidewalk which Jason stepped in.  You’d think a guy raised in Dairy Country MN would know better…

They're Here!!!!

The babies arrived laying across the back seat & the nanny attempted to stack a couple of the babies & take them into the building.  We didn’t get a picture of that

There she is!!

It's official, she's ours!

What a whirlwind day that was.  We had been expecting our G&R for days & then we finally get the call.  The trip out seemed to fly & take forever, all at the same time.  The arrival of the babies, the discovery of how bad Tova’s cradle cap was, the ceremony, the trip back – it was such an exhilarating day.  The anticipation, the excitement, the joy of finally having our daughter in our arms.  Wow.

What an amazing journey.

K~

2 Years Ago

We saw this picture for the first time.

Tova's Referral picture

What a difference 2 years makes!

Tova 2 years later

K~

Lucky Like an Orphan

Bonus Post!  I was catching up on the big RNC speeches & couldn’t pass up venting about Cindy McCain’s speech.  One part that upset me was when she talked about her daughter adopted from India as if she were a stray kitten.  Nothing says Love like using your child as a political pawn.  Cindy McCain held up Bridget’s adoption as nothing more than something to be praised for, something that shows how great of a person she is because she rescued a poor little orphan from poverty.  There’s some major adoption education that didn’t happen for the McCain’s.

It’s demeaning to say an adopted person is ‘lucky’ to be adopted.  It demeans her birth parents & her birth culture – both huge losses in her life.  What’s ‘lucky’ about that?

We aren’t ‘lucky’ either.  Raising my children is a huge blessing.  They owe me nothing for being their mom.  They make my days full of life, laughter, & love.  That’s not luck.

K~

Housekeeping

***Thank you for the comments on my last post. The support from all of you has meant a lot to me. I know we face difficult questions in our future & I’m so thankful for the adoption community for being such a wonderful support system.***

A quick update on the adoption stuff & then I hope to give it a rest for a few days, mainly because I just don’t know what to say. Vietnam’s response to the Embassy report is to leave the negotiation table. Before all this stuff happened, Vietnam & the US were in the process of negotiating a new adoption agreement. The Vietnamese are a proud people & they were insulted by the Embassy report & have decided that they will stop adoptions on 7.1.08, two months before the US was going to stop them. You can read the newest AP article here. I just have no more words to describe how heavy my heart is.

^*^*^*^*

In happier news, my sister is here! For a whole week! Jenny came in last night on Amtrak & it’s been non-stop fun. So far we’ve taken Ethan to school, watched Gavin at swim lessons, played piano, talked, & oh yeah, I kicked her butt in Backgammon, TWICE! The boys are excited to have Jenny here too. She’s crocheting each of them a scarf & taking them each out for lunch. They are both loving the thought of doing anything by themselves with Jenny. Tova is still undecided about Jenny. She’s taking her time warming up to Jenny. I’m hoping by Wednesday, Tova will stop crying every time I leave the room.

Here’s a picture for your Monday Night.

K~

I almost forgot.  Welcome to my newest Google Reader- JJ  (& you thought it wasn’t important enough to blog about.  Ha!)